Some things not to do after midnight.
I truly had been feeling quite proud of myself. Costumes seemed to be more or less lined up for the kids, I had a make-up consult with an adorable 12 year-old who will show up here tomorrow morning at 7 am to make up Channan’s face for the school’s Purim festivities. I’d made some Minion costumes. I even had these really cute fish bowl mishloach manot for the kids. I was golden. Until I wasn’t.
Yoni’s big plan was to reverse mohawk his hair into a hairstyle charmingly called: kriyat yam suf. The plan would be to shave the center strip of his scalp. Not surprisingly I wasn’t enthusiastic about this plan. We managed to negotiate a sort of cautious truce whereas Yoni would get something called a Marine hair cut… only then Yoni was on a tiyul and got home at 11pm and we were at a Bar Mitzvah (mazal tov Tzvi) and got home sometime after that.
Exhausted Yoni is a highly motivated Yoni and nothing was going to stop him from that hair cut. Nothing would include the fact that neither David nor I have ever cut anyone’s hair and also nothing would include all the halachot surrounding payot (or payes as we’ve been saying for years). I start hacking away at Yoni’s hair while David starts watching powerpoint presentations on how to maintain the integrity of those holy payot. The clock is ticking closer and closer to midnight.
Finally, I have mostly butchered Yoni’s beautiful hair. But it is after midnight and we do not know who to ask about Yoni’s holy locks. There are few Rabbis at our beck and call at midnight so David relies on our network of super smarts in Cleveland and calls every. rabbi. ever. Do not feel bad if you weren’t phoned (though let’s be honest, the overlap of Rabbis who read this blog and Rabbis who read this blog and would be insulted at not having been called is quite slim), the call just went to voice mail.
After forty-five minutes of consulting the super smarts, David wakes Yoni who has passed out in my office and finishes the marine buzz cut. I am too nervous to look at it. He will no doubt wake up tomorrow morning hating his hair but I think we have all learned an irrefutable truth: there are certain things that shouldn’t be done after midnight. Also, don’t feel too bad for him, I made him an adorable minion shirt.
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