Unprepared for Armageddon


Before anyone takes this as a commentary on the current political situation in Israel, let me reassure you that I have no inside information whatsoever (though for a time I did think I’d make a super awesome spy until I realized I am a terrible secret keeper… dear all the people who told me secrets, sorry). In any event, Syria and Iran, stop doing bad things because I am not prepared at all.

I have exactly three cans of canned goods in my pantry.

I used to have one super power. I was able to turn out a fabulous seudat shlesheet in under 20 minutes having not thought about it at all in advance. I credited my creativity, my grace under pressure, the fact that I have ancestors who survived the Great Depression. All of it, it turns out, is untrue. My magic stemmed from the bounty that could be found in my pantry.

This Shabbat, awkwardly confident that I could Martha Stewart my way into a culinary masterpiece or two, I opened my pantry to discover butter beans (why?), hearts of palm and diced tomatoes. And I did give a good try, I put chumus and techina in pretty bowls. I even had some matbucha. Some crackers… but the dream died there.

It’s six weeks back and I’m still not fully back. That message was sent clearly through the God of the Pantry (I’m going with Saint Michael the Archangel he’s the Patron Saint of Grocers). Time to stock up, settle in, buy things that languish for years unopened. You all have dozens of cans in your pantry. It may be time to roll some my way. Alternately, it may be time for me to conquer my fear of shopping in Rami Levi and stock up.


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